Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu