Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
You Might Also Like
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.