*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
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‘I know a black person’
– White people
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.