My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
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“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”