My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
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Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.