Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
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[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
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Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat