Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
You Might Also Like
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I like long walks away from everyone
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Me trying to walk in a dream
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’