I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
You Might Also Like
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
*cough*
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
guys i’ve cracked the code
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor: