think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
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*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
cats when you pet them too long:
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work