[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
You Might Also Like
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.