This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
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The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
japanese corn
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019