Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
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A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
no such thing as a dumb question
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be