this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
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me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer