[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
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Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I hate when that happens.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.