Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
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[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Day 2 of my diet
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps