I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
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My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
That’s enough internet for the day
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
three things we don’t talk about
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall