Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
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Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
*pronounces UPS like yoops
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
True.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD