Home is where your toilet is.
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Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so