My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
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[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Lmao the reply
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.