Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
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[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
girls literally only want one thing..
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”