Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
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Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left