If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.