bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this