Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
This makes total sense…
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.