My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
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THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Spider-cat: No One Home
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
The Sun
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.