It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
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Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
A drum solo but on your face.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.