A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
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Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
This is what makes twitter great
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*