the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
liiiiiiiiike
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
⛄️
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Every time.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Beauty and the Beast
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.