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I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
decorating my apartment
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers