I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
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Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
He a real one for that
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.