“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
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Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda