Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
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I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
you have three unread messages
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP