Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
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For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”