Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
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Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
So true for me
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars