The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
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Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Eat…
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?