To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
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GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.