If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
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Fight
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.