A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
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Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.