Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
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the prophecies have been fulfilled
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him