9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
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Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.