Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
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Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Wednesday
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’