Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
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My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.