awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
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“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
one last job
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?