Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
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Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
This did not end as expected.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Pizza is an emotion right?
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics