“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
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If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Always 🥴
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.