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You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.