Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
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Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.