Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
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This rocks
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.