Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
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So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.