[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
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“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
so, is there a mister shapen head
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
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